Well, maybe, not quite this radical, but somedays, close!
It is rare, but there are times that I feel I am living in someone else’s body where I cannot just go with the flow and accept everyone and everything as it is. And I must admit that it does start with me. I will blame it on a crazy month, and that is hard for someone who really has learned to love structure…and control. And that, too, is not unusual for many of us had dysfunctional homes growing up and as adults for many reasons. Structure and control and predictability give us a feeling of peace…and control!
The crazy month has had to do with a wild goose chase employment opportunity, The Cleveland Cavaliers playing basketball for weeks, and now the Republican Convention. None of these were bad things, they just found me spending time on the wild goose chase, watching all of the Cavs games, and as a recovering political junkie watching the coverage of the convention. It is just me, and I am meditating my heart out to get back to me.
“Back to me”…just what is that? I often wonder if transformation leads us eventually to someone we do not know very well any more. That just might be my situation. I liked me; I liked where Empower Excellence was in its growth; and, then suddenly, I changed and so did Empower Excellence.
I am told I am calmer these days. Really? Some days I feel comatose and could sleep more than my normal 9 hours. I feel great, but I feel different; and that difference is really evident after meeting folks at networking occasions and elsewhere. I used to like everyone and found something to be excited about with just about everyone. Not so true lately. So, I have made a decision.
I am ripping up all of the scripts for everyone, and that includes me.
If I do not know who I am, how can I make decisions on others? So no decisions, just “being”. If I am shaken to my core right now, how can I expect others to meet my expectations? I can’t! So, I won’t!
So, today is day 1 of the move to Oberlin. Really, Oberlin will be my escape, my treehouse, and that is good. I will be close enough to be a Cavs fan. It is the beginning of a new move which will be easier than moving to Canada if President Trump becomes a reality. I can be whoever I want to be on whatever day I choose, and I know that will not include being someone’s employee ever again. That kind of gives me an idea of where I am heading with one big exception.
For 4 years, I have been a transitional financial coach with my practice in Empower Excellence, and I kept away from the term “healer”. While I am still a transitional financial coach, I am also a healer, always have been. I just wasn’t ready to claim that title. I am ready now because I think part of my current malaise is that I have become so calm and accepting of others, and including myself, that it has led me to a total state of confusion: I am who I was, but I am now much more. The journey to Oberlin is becoming a reality, and it is a departure from the life I have led for many years in a metropolitan area, living in a great suburb; but it is no longer me. I will not bore anyone with extolling the reasons Oberlin is for me: it just is. It may be a bubble of a town, but I need and want that bubble. I want to be all of me, and that includes hiding away doing healing work quietly. I have my networking groups to be my need for socializing and growing Empower Excellence, and I love doing what I do there…empowering excellence with all of the members. So, I am who I am. Until I grow into that role, just in time to transform some more, I am happy to be me, and I have no scripts for anyone else, so I am happy to be with everyone else as well.