When The Day Becomes Bizarre…try to find the positive!

Positive Energy 4 3

Sometimes a day starts out perfectly okay, but then again not so okay.  I woke up after about 6 hours of sleep knowing that I had to get dressed and get off to have an ultrasound of my liver.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, no one cares about my liver.  But I do.  Because my liver has been acting up for over 40 years, and everyone says “don’t worry, you will be ok”.  You see, my liver is kind of my Achilles heel.  And it all started at least two generations ago with an alcoholic maternal grandfather, two alcoholic uncles, and what I believe is a maternal grandmother who always was jaundiced.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know…I believe she was a closet drinker!  So my mother, the oldest of all four children, dropped out of school to raise her siblings.  The youngest was born when my mother was 14.  My mother stopped being a child at that time and began to run this dysfunctional household.

Fast forward to my mother and father marrying, having me as their oldest child and three years later having my sister J.  And then, as if our household was not already dysfunctional, a mother with mental health issues and a codependent father trying to keep things “normal”, my mother became pregnant with my youngest sister, MM.  As out of a soap opera, my maternal grandfather died within two weeks of the birth, and my maternal grandmother died also within that narrow time period.  You guessed it.  My childhood came to an abrupt end at the age of 12.  I was raising MM mostly and J was already rebellious having lost her “baby of the family” status and becoming a “middle” child.

So why am I writing about this?  Because I have to.  I can no longer continue having my false self out there.  I am the child of a very dysfunctional family, and my maternal parent was raised in a very alcoholic household.  Not only was it dysfunctional, it appears that there are health problems that are associated with this in more than one way.  That is where I am today.  I am facing my total life as it is.  I am doing this deliberately because I want to live to be 104+.  Selfish?  Not at all.  Realistic.

So, why now?  Why here?  Because there are millions of adult children living with the remnants of their childhood which really wasn’t a childhood.  It was a nightmare.  It was a shameful time.  Unpredictability reigned.  But boy did I become good at faking it at least to the outside world.  There were so many times i wished someone at school would have seen through the bravado and asked me what was wrong, but, no, I did a great job of keeping it all at home.

So fast forward to today.  I am seeking help through a proven channel to overcome all of this.  I have already worked through so much through my spiritual path for the past 17 years, through therapy for a number of years in the early 2000’s, through finding my mission and passion in life and pursuing it, and now dealing with the physical after effects of burnt out adrenal glands, a  malfunctioning liver, and a life of stress.  It is not easy pretending that all is well with my world when it is not.  But I am on the right path, and I know that my path for many years has been to unwind my life as it was as a child, to bring me to where I am today finding my path to 104+ and happiness in a pure form, not pretending any more, but really being happy.

Wherever you are in your life, find the path to the real you and find happiness.  It is never too late.

And positive energy helps!



One thought on “When The Day Becomes Bizarre…try to find the positive!

  1. As you reveal more about yourself I am astonished by how much we have in common. Even the fatigued adrenals! Thank you for sharing these memories, Jan! Thanks for being brave enough to take off the masks. I feel it is what I must do as well and your writing gives me strength.


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