It has taken many years, but few things really bother me any more, except…
I love what I do, and I do it well, and I am busy most of the time, and that requires talking and networking. Well, much of the information that has been flowing to me over the past few weeks was that i need to retreat…and, yes, I knew that I needed thinking and planning time for many different specters of my business, but I kept putting it off, until the Universe took over yesterday and shut me down!
And I mean shut me down. As I write, I have a major upper respiratory issue involving a minor sore throat but a total loss of my voice. Made one phone call, and I felt like I was drowning in mucous and my voice is GONE! Message received. I have cancelled several commitments and will work as long as my stamina holds up to catch up and then move on to “retreat”.
And I am drinking water by the gallons with lemon, taking anti mucous supplements, and more. It will take time, and I am letting it go…it is what it is. Forced retreat is interesting, and I need it. But it is an indication that my life is shifting…and I am ready. It is more authentic than I have ever been.
Quiet is good, no matter how we receive it!
Where can you turn when you want an absolute? Well, I hate to say it, but there are few situations where something is so engraved that it will never change. This beautiful depiction of a butterfly at the Miller Preserve in Northeast Ohio is beautiful to look at but it does not capture the true spirit of a butterfly, which is to be free and changing from a caterpillar to a butterfly, the depiction of transformation. If you want permanence, you may never transform…
A great spangled fritillary taking nector on the flower of a butterfly weed, a variety of milkweed, growing in a borrow pit in Delaware County.
I have been known to say that the butterflies are gone, and more often, I note that the butterflies are back! So, what is my preoccupation with butterflies?
Well, butterflies are the symbol of transformation, which is common to all of us, and transformation is ever present, with each of us transforming at our own rate…
But there are periods of time on social media when butterflies are plentiful, and then there are times that they are not. To me, it is a sign that much transformation is happening, or not.
But, what I have realized is that I make my own blessings, I make my own transformation, and I decide how many butterflies appear, and, when they do appear, blessings are on the way, because I make my own blessings!
This is my story behind my move to Oberlin…
Where do you see yourself living?
I see a small place near nature but also near people who want to be away from the materialism of the world today, near people who want to know their neighbors, near people who want to walk to “get a coffee” and talk, and near people who still care about people. To be near people who care about the quality of their food, their air, their water, and their future.
It is really about sustainability–personal, familial, community, and the environment. It is a simple story that is beginning to become the reality!
Sometimes we are the last to realize what we have been doing; but looking at ourselves through the eyes of our inner child can sometimes open our head, our hearts, and our souls to what is really going on with us. For my total life I have been suppressing who I am. Yes, that is a whopper of something to drop at my feet on a Sunday night. However, the last four or five days have been gut wrenching in oh so many different ways and emotions, Let’s just say:
- I received great news about a new opportunity that could last for years
- But, that news required an intensive training program and testing before it became mine
- So, I already completed the training and passed the tests
- I was reunited on a holiday for the first time in four years with my siblings
- The food at their restaurant of choice was almost inedible
- They loved the food
- My car was due for routine maintenance and I was there for a discounted appointment
- They broke the news that there might be a major problem
- I worked for 8 hours but spoke to no one about it
- I reread The Practice to take me back into my core; and it worked
- Had a wonderful belated birthday celebration at a restaurant I have wanted to go to for years with my son and his family
- Lost my brand new iPhone 7
- Retrieved my iPhone 7
- Reacted in my emergency stressed mode and went grocery shopping at 8 PM at night followed by a trip to Target for Lego toys for grandsons!
- Collapsed into sleep to be awakened by a problem with my one eye which kept me up for hours!
- Got back into a routine on Sunday to catch up with everything that had been left undone by all of the above.
It hit me about an hour ago that I am stressfully exhausted, so at 8:30, without watching my favorite show “Madame Secretary”, it hit me…I have to take care of me, so I am showering and going to sleep…It is a first step to sanity, I guess! At least my inner child is happy that it gets much needed rest!
The freedom of being me is sometimes away from my awareness…Until i am in the presence of Liam. Thirty months old and yet wise as a thirty-year old. It is sometimes amazing. But when I am with Liam, I know that any struggles I experience can provide comfort and direction for others at a later time. In a small way, I see that with Liam. When he wants to do something, he will find a way, cunning or straight forward. And, yes, as a grandmother, I often times facilitate that. But it is within that I know that it is all a part of his learning and still a part of my lifelong learning. It is a toddler who can sense danger in the shadows, but when they are dancing the shadows are all a part of the fun! It is an interesting perspective because, as adults, worry is sometimes a shadow of our dark side–the side that forgets that everything will always be as it should. We forget to dance because we are worrying, and that is when I learn from Liam that life is a dance, sometimes fast, sometimes slow, sometimes happy, sometimes sad, but in the end, we always feel better when we dance!
Life is going great in all areas! I am very aware of the power of intention and the focus that brings chaos! So, life is grand. I found new inspiration yesterday when something was not going quite the way I would have liked, but, then, I do not know it is all going to turn out, and I have tried to give up worrying because it is fruitless and it puts the focus on what I do not want.
Many of you are aware of a book by Dr. Keith Jordan called The Practice. Written in 2011, it is something that I actively practice and participate in a weekly group to live The Practice. So when the worrisome object appeared, I decided that I was not going to focus on it. Rather, last night, I reread The Practice, and it worked. I have totally let the shit go and have given it over to a higher power. It works. Sure, it has taken a lot of “practice”, but it works.
You see, I know everything will be ok, and I know that I am well into a very large transformation, which all of us will experience in our own time. What I did not think about was that my “feelings” took over and created the worry. And, according to my own philosophy, God will take care of me, and I will get through this latest worry with or without anxiety; that choice is mine. And I choose to “practice”.
It is not Peace Day, it is Thanksgiving, and I have just learned that you can go home again. After several years of very little communication with my siblings, I spent Thanksgiving with them. It does not matter how it occurred; it does not matter that I really am so very different than they are. What does matter is that I put forth the olive branch of peace several months ago and then let life take its course. I think I am much wiser now; I am no longer doubting my self worth; I know my value’ I have learned a lot these past few years. I am no longer a “Who” with an ego, I am a “what”. I am a sister, I am the oldest of my family still alive, and I am there because they are my family. Enough said.
Giving back is my theme for Thanksgiving this year…
And it is giving back no matter from where the love and energy originated. It will be the first year in many that I am making Thanksgiving with siblings a priority no matter how they want to celebrate the day. Believe me, my idea of Thanksgiving is more Norman Rockwell, and I love cooking the meal, creating the love materialized! But I digress…
It would be a total surprise if any of the siblings ever read my blog or pay attention to anything that is personal and passionate for me, so I can write these things with the hope that they would read it. And I digress further…
It will be the first year in his history that my younger son will not be celebrating the day somehow with me, but w have found divisions on the side of his spousal family led him, his wife, and his two darling sons to be spending Thanksgiving at the exact time of dinner with my daughter-in-law’s splintered family as I will be breaking bread in an Italian restaurant with my “side of the family”. Priorities this year for all of us was to unify family in small ways, and we did.
And then there is my older son in Florida from whom I received a text, and, respecting his tradition, I texted back. There is no story there, only love, and a lack of love of communicating. He is alive, he is well, that is what I read behind his Thanksgiving message to me. For the I am grateful…
But there is a high energy of gratitude on this day that all of us are respecting each other’s wishes on this Thanksgiving day. It is one day, and we are all grateful for the solid relationships we have. Tomorrow will be another day as we march towards Christmas…and more energy, and more love, and more respect. That is all I can ask for.
I cannot escape who I was born to be. It seems like I have been fighting to be me all of my life. It has been a very long day working on the training for my new role…and I am tired. It is true, and I know it, that my Magic is more than it seems. I am on the precipice of a dream that I had worked for years to accomplish. It is discouraging to talk to clients who cannot seem to get their act together, it is discouraging to talk to family members who cannot comprehend “what I do”, and others who just do not seem to be traveling on a path that in any way resembles my path…
But it is because I am driven by my passion and mission that I keep on…I know what my Magic can be, and I refuse to be less than that…
So, in Thanksgiving, I realize how special my mission is and the talents I have been given to fulfill that mission…the Magic is alive, and the gratitude of tomorrow’s special day will carry me further toward accomplishing all that is mine to be.